Read all ten commandments suggestions here.

I remember a story we used to read when I was a child that highlighted the difference between listening and hearing. A child regularly heard her parents instructions, but didn't really listen. As a result, she continually disobeyed, and ended being confronted about her poor listening habits.

In a LIFEgroup setting, it is easy to hear what everyone is saying, but to not really listen. Nothing can kill a discussion faster than not really listening to what others are saying, and nothing will promote discussion more than people's realization that they are really being listened to.

You have probably many times found yourself in a conversation in which you were nodding your head and maintaining eye contact the whole time your counter-part spoke, but really all you heard was, "blah, blah, blah." The problem is: when it is your turn to speak, you'll likely fumble and bumble trying to make sense, because you really have no idea how to respond.

Sometimes we fail to listen because we are distracted.
Sometimes we fail to listen because we are confused.
Sometimes we fail to listen because we are thinking of what we want to say next.
Sometimes we are thinking about how to respond to a previous statement.
Sometimes we don't listen simply because we don't care.

Likely, there are other reasons as well why we don't listen.

Active listening requires us to not just hear and process the words and thoughts being communicated by others, but also to follow up with questions and statements designed to bring clarity. If I am successfully leading a discussion, I must ensure that not only is everyone heard, but that they are understood. I can accomplish this by being an "active listener."

Here are some simple ways to be an active listener:

• Follow up with a question.
• Follow up by restating their point in your own words.
• Follow up by summarizing their point.
• Ask the person to clarify part of their statement which might have been confusing.
• Restate a specific phrase or sentence, and add your opinion.

As with many other skills, active listening is a skill which needs to be developed over time. The best way to become better is to intentionally remind yourself before every group meeting that you are going to make an effort to be a more active listener. After each meeting, evaluate yourself.

Below are some links to more helpful advice on how to be a better listener:

10 Tips to Be A Better Listener
Active Listening: A Communication Skill
Active Listening

I'm interrupting the series on leading discussions to quickly point you to an interesting concept called "Three is Enough." (TiE)

The foundational elements of this concept are quite similar to our "formative, caring, and missional" roots. TiE's three main points of participation are:

• Try out new ways of praying
• Read and interact
• Serve others in creative ways

The big difference is that a TiE group is a group of three and no more. Some groups could implement TiE principles into their own group meetings. Some groups might want to create mini-groups of three within their LIFEgroup. Some might just use the principle to launch their own TiE group.

You can read more about TiE at their website here.

See the biblical rationale for this method of discipleship here.


thanks to Kim Martinez for the heads up on TiE.

View All Ten Suggestions Here

No good discussion can happen unless the right climate or environment has first been cultivated. Just as a farmer’s job begins long before he puts seeds into the ground, a group leader’s job begins long before the first discussion question is asked.

No farmer walks out of his house one morning and just decides to throw some seeds on the ground. He knows if he hasn’t spent sufficient time preparing the ground, the seeds will have little or no chance to grow. Before he ever plants the seeds, the farmer spends time clearing the land, installing irrigation, removing weeds and plants, and cultivating the soil. When preparation is done properly, the seed will have the best possible chance to grow.

Giving your group’s discussion the best possible chance to be effective requires the leader to spend time creating an accepting environment. People’s ability to open themselves or close themselves is often dependent on whether or not they feel accepted. Someone who feels unwanted will typically withdraw, clam up, and eventually disappear. An effective group discussion will only happen when each group member feels valued, desired, and welcomed.

As the leader, you need to be able not only to cultivate this accepting environment, but also to evaluate the existing environment to notice whether or not people feel welcome. Observing group member’s level of involvement and body language is an easy way to identify whether or not people feel accepted. Some simple questions to ask yourself are:

• How often are people contributing to the discussion? If someone is never contributing, they may not feel accepted by the group. If they are fully engaged, they likely feel very accepted.
  
• Has anyone demonstrated a drastic change in group involvement? When someone who has never engaged suddenly begins engaging, you have probably succeeded in creating a accepting environment. The reverse is also true. If someone has consistently participated in group discussions and suddenly is withdrawn, you probably should inquire as to why.
• Are people leaning in or backing out? When someone sits back with their arms folded protectively over their chest, they may be demonstrating that they don't feel welcome. When people lean toward each other, they are exhibiting the type of vulnerability which is a result of feeling valued, welcomed, and accepted.

Creating a climate of acceptance happens every time you contact each group member. Each interaction with a person is an opportunity for you to express to them their value to and to the group. As your personal interactions build confidence into people, they will intern contribute a "welcomness" to the rest of the group, increasing the "acceptance climate." Here are some simple ways to help people feel accepted:

• Regularly remind them of specific ways they make the group better.
• Seek opportunities to interact with them apart from group time.
• Remember birthdays and milestone days.
• Celebrate their accomplishments.
• Follow up on their prayer requests.
• Send random encouraging notes or emails.
• Contact them when they've missed a group gathering.
• Invite them to participate in informal "life-sharing" activities.

Some of the remaining ten suggestions will cover other methods you can use to create and sustain a climate of acceptance. Next up:
Actively listen to each person.

View all ten suggestions here.

Have you ever been part of a discussion that went absolutely no where? One of the most important tasks a small group leader needs to execute is GOOD PREPARATION. If your group is going to engage in a good discussion, that will ONLY HAPPEN if you are willing to take the time beforehand to prepare good questions.

If you really want to have a good discussion you must do the following three activities:

1) Plan. Set aside ample time for preparation. This time will include prayer, study, contemplation, and writing so 15 minutes before your group meeting is probably not enough. You need to set a time, block it off on your calendar, and honor that commitment to yourself.

2) Pray. There really isn't any reason to do anything if you aren't relying on God to make it successful; so if you really want to give your discussion the best shot, pray.

3) Prepare. You've set aside time and you've prayed it up, so now you are ready to prepare. I would recommend the following order of events for your prep time (although everyone will do it a little different).

• Study. Whether you're studying a biblical passage, reading a book, following a guide, or watching a video; take the time to make yourself familiar with the material. You should know it better than anyone else.
• Contemplate. Think about where the people in your group are at in their lives. What are they struggling with? What are they celebrating? How is their family? their job? Is anyone in crisis? Consider how the material you are looking at is relevant to their lives.
  
• Write. Don't just develop a bunch of questions which serve only to increase your member's knowledge about the material. Craft a discussion experience which will lead your group on a journey which impacts their hearts, minds, souls, and strength.

Some of the other "Discussion Suggestions" will help you as you create these questions, but as a starter, here are some simple suggestions for putting questions together:

• Ask open ended questions. Questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no" will kill the conversation quickly.
• "How" and "why" questions typically promote good discussion.
• "When have you..." and "How do you feel about..." are usually a solid way to start a question.
• More questions are better than fewer, as you can always delete them based on the course of the conversation.

Later this week: Creating a Climate of Acceptance.

Nothing can tear a group apart faster or more effectively than a spirit of complaining. For some reason, complaints seem to breed faster than rabbits. Once one person’s complaining goes unchecked, it won’t be long until others have joined in and eventually the entire group is sucked into a hopeless vortex of swirling complaints. Often these complaints have little to do with the group, but they have the potential to sideswipe and destroy a group meeting, or if left unchecked, an entire group.

Complaints may cover a variety of subjects. Group members might complain about their job, their day, their neighbor, their spouse, or even the church. The role of the leader is to deal with these complaints in a way which is formative for the person, instructive for the group, and glorifying to God.

Because a LIFEgroup should be a place where people share their struggles and receive support and prayer, it can sometimes be difficult to know when someone is sharing a difficulty or complaining. Here are some questions you can use to distinguish between the two:

• Is this person seeking a solution, or just venting?
• Is this the first time we’ve heard this, or is it a recurring theme?
• Is this person willing to consider another viewpoint?
• Does this person see themselves as powerless, or are they “working on” their situation?

These questions will often help you distinguish between healthy sharing and unhealthy complaining. Even though, they might not always provide a clear distinction, they will certainly get you going in the right direction.

Complaining usually needs to be dealt with in two steps. First, the group leader needs to appropriately address the complaining immediately during the group time. Secondly, if a person’s complaining becomes chronic and begins to threaten the health of the group; the group leader (or someone else) needs to address the heart attitude of the complainer in a one-on-one setting.

The following ideas can help you handle complaining when it happens during a group time:

1) Ask open-ended questions. Try to help the person see the situation from another perspective. Asking questions also allows the person to see that you are concerned about them and want to understand what they are thinking.

2) Rather than offer solutions or agree with the complaints, immediately take time to pray about the situation.

3) If the complaints are directed toward or about another person, pray for that person as well, and offer to be a catalyst for resolving the situation. Be clear that you will not listen to anymore complaints about the person until the complainer has honestly worked toward resolution (Matthew 18:15-20; Romans 14:1-8)

If a person’s complaining continues over time, it will eventually drain the group’s energy and health. Potentially, continued complaining will spread and infect others, leading to a culture of negativity which can be depressing for the whole group and is certainly not what the church should be. The role of the group leader is to address those whose complaining threatens the health of the group.

At this point, it would be helpful to go back and read some of the suggestions regarding how to deal with conflict. Here are some brief ideas for talking with someone about complaining:

• Affirm your love for the person and tell them about the positive things they add to the group.
• Explain to the person how you could imagine them using their gifts to make a greater contribution to the group.
• Help the person understand that you are talking to them about a pattern of behavior, not just one incident. Repeat to them that you are bringing this to them because you want to help them grow, not because you want to attack them.
• Give a few examples of how theirs (or others) complaining can be a negative influence on the group life.
• Provide a specific solution. You DO NOT want them to drop out, or to “clam up”. Give a clear example of how they can still share their struggles without falling into a complaining spirit.
• Ask them what you can do to assist them in this journey.
• Pray together.

Click below for this week's LIFEgroup Weekly. This edition includes help for dealing with conflict in your group as well as discussion questions based on this week's HUMILITY sermon.

Here's an interesting list you can share with your LIFEgroup to help them prepare for Sunday morning's Celebration Gathering!

10. Do I have my Bible?

9. Do I have my family in the car with me? (this may not apply to everyone)

8. Am I dressed? (this does apply to everyone)

7. Does my family have their Bibles with them?

6. Have we prayed before leaving the house?

5. Have I considered the lesson and Bible class from last week?

4. Who did I not talk to last week who I will this week?

3. Have I prepared my soul for worship this morning?

2. Are my children ready to sing on the way to the building?

1. Will my attitude while driving to services reflect the love of Christ we will talk about in service?

courtesy of: The Preacher's Pen

Sometimes people don’t get along. Sometimes disagreements between people can tear a group apart if not handled well. That is not to say conflict should be avoided. One of the greatest "killers" of positive group life is an avoidance of conflict. While conflict should never be fun, it is a necessary aspect of living in a fallen world. We are different people with differing ideologies (because we don't always grab on to the "mind of Christ"), and so we must learn to communicate about those differences in healthy ways.

Patrick Lencioni’s book Five Dysfunctions of a Team has an excellent chapter on how to engage in healthy conflict. Below are some of his ideas, altered a bit to fit the small group context.

KEY IDEAS REGARDING HEALTHY CONFLICT:

• Good conflict between people requires trust, which is all about engaging in unfiltered, passionate discussion around issues.
• Even in the best relationships, conflict will at times be uncomfortable.
• Rules for conflict, though they will vary from relationship to relationship, must be discussed and made clear among the group.
• The fear of occasional personal conflict should not deter a person from having regular, productive discussion.

The goal of conflict is to move from artificial harmony to true unity, without crossing into mean-spirited attacks. This takes time, patience, trust, but most importantly it takes a thick skin and a forgiving, teachable spirit. Engaging in this kind of conflict will undoubtedly cause some pain from time to time, but it is crucial to remember that the same pain you have experienced is the pain you are capable of causing if you do not seek to be constructive in your conflict.

As a group leader, here are some more ideas to help you navigate your group through times of conflict.

• As much as possible, reduce the number of people involved in the conflict. If only a few people are in conflict with each other, set up times to work with just them, don’t force the entire group into a conflict unless it is appropriate or necessary.
• Listen. Be certain you understand all “sides” of the conflict. The best way to do this is to listen, rephrase the person’s viewpoint (asking them if you have it right), then listen some more, then rephrase some more… Continue until you and all involved parties are certain you have a good understanding.
• Pray together. Praying about conflict forces people to consider whether or not their part in the conflict is appropriate in the eyes of God. Prayer is also the most powerful weapon the believer has in accomplishing a difficult task.
• Be patient. Conflict resolution takes time, don’t expect to solve everything immediately.
• Lose your pride. Don’t assume you can always bring resolution to conflict (there may be times when you are involved in the conflict yourself). It is always appropriate to seek outside help (pastor, friend, counselor) if you feel the conflict demands more than you have to offer.

Ultimately, conflict in a small group should be viewed as an opportunity, but a dangerous opportunity. Handled correctly, conflict can bring new understanding, deeper understanding, and greater love toward one another. Handled incorrectly, conflict can destroy individuals, relationships, and groups.

As you consider the issue of conflict, give thought to these words from John Piper:

“Some controversy is crucial for the sake of life-giving truth. Running from it is a sign of cowardice. But enjoying it is usually a sign of pride.”[1]

Here is Part Two in my series on dealing with "Community Killers". Today the topic is "Crisis".

Every group experiences crisis at some point. Death, illness, divorce, and financial ruin are just some of the issues that can threaten to destroy a group. These crisis, however, are not to be feared. Rather, they should be embraced as an opportunity for the group to care for one another in unique and deeply meaningful ways. The following are five suggestions (certainly not an exhaustive list) which can help a group handle crisis successfully:

Openness. The first step in a group’s efforts to deal with crisis is simply knowing about and understanding the crisis. If a member does not feel comfortable sharing the crisis issues in their life, the group cannot come to their aid. A willingness to share not only the crisis situation, but also the details can significantly impact the degree to which the group can offer assistance.

The role of the leader sometimes requires a person to be observant and discerning regarding the unspoken signs of crisis. Noticing that a group member is unusually absent or late, or that their participation in the group or demeaner has changed over time may create an opportunity for the group to meet a need they weren’t even aware of. Sometimes, the group leader may need to approach a group member outside of their gathering to ask questions and determine the degree to which the person should be open with the group.

The key is that the more the group knows, the more they can help, and the more they will have an opportunity to grow together.

Prayer. For believers, crisis is never really crisis. We have confidence (although we may not always feel it or exhibit it) that God is in control, and that He is working in every circumstance for our good. Of course for the person who finds their life “falling apart”, that is often little consolation. Sometimes, when a situation seems beyond hope, people turn to prayer as a last resort. Sadly, it should be the resort to which we turn first.

We have many promises in the Bible that prayer is effective, that God listens to the prayer of the righteous, and that when two or three gather God is present with them. Prayer is a powerful tool, particularly in the hands of a unified group of believers. How can a group pray for their friend in crisis? They can pray for resolution to the situation, they can pray for peace for the oppressed, they can pray for strength to accept the final outcome, they can pray for the testimony of the person in crisis, and they can pray for others who are affected by the crisis. Of course, the scope of prayer in any situation is limited only by the group itself.

Communication. As a group works to serve a member in crisis, communication is of the utmost importance. Group members need to be made aware of changes (positive and negative) in the situations as well as needs that arise and are met. It may be wise for the group leader to assign a “point person” who can maintain close touch with the member in crisis and pass the crucial information along to the group as needed.

Follow-Up. One of the worst things that can happen in a crisis is for the person to “fall through the cracks”. It is too easy when someone talks about their crisis for the group to immediately respond with care and concern, but as time goes by the level of involvement decreases and eventually fades away.

Keeping a crisis in the forefront of the group’s mind (without allowing it to overshadow all else) can be done by regularly praying, and giving updates during group gatherings. The group leaders should ensure that any commitments made to the person by the group are followed-through.

Presence. Sometimes for a person in crisis, it is more than enough to simple be with them. One of the most important things a group can do for a suffering member is to provide support through presence. An important question to regularly ask during a crisis is, “What can we do right now for you?” The follow up is just as important, “Do you want someone to be with you?” An effective group can unify to provide around the clock presence if necessary, or to just have the occasional visitation if desired.

It should be noted that some crisis will last far longer than others, and often the length of the crisis will be the true measuring stick of the love and commitment of the group. Also, crisis may arise that require far more attention, assistance, and counsel than the group is capable of providing. The leader and members of the group must be willing and able to recognize the extent to which they are capable of providing care, and then must assist the member in finding the necessary extra help, whether it be from the church, a doctor, or other sources.